spontaneous, joyful uncertainty, and expectancy.

We’re coming to the end of 2008. Part of me feels like this year went by way too fast. My 18th year on planet earth feels like a giant whirlwind blur, but i was thinking a lot about it tonight, as i was cleaning my room and listening to Debussy: Clair de Lune (not that it really matters, it’s just pretty thinking music : ) and i realized how drastically different my life is today compared to how it was December 28th, 2007; a freshly 17 year old, ready for a new year. What was i predicting as i waited; enjoying the days of school-free carefree before the start of 2008? That intrigued me, so i stopped cleaning and began going through my desk, looking for my old journal. I am the world’s worst journaler. Trust me, it’s pretty pathetic. I hoped i had actually written something. It turns out, i had. Five pages covering the from Christmas to NewYears time. I read and read, laughing at myself at the little anecdotes i had written in the margins about my day. There was much about the New Years Party i was hosting for Stand True and the arrival of friends from far away, but i had written a little something that night, after everyone had either fallen asleep in the rooms below me, or left; which was life three o’clock in the morning i think. I had written a small entry. In it, i spoke about my expectations for the coming year. They made me laugh more than my silly little anecdotes about the day. I was trying to prepare myself for change in that journal entry; trying to anticipate the likely situations and scenarios i was going to face such as college decisions and relationships. Funny. Because none of them turned out the way i thought they would. His plans were greater. Harder sometimes. Not ones i anticipated by any long shot, but greater. better. Because the entry was short, i had half a page i left blank. So i made a list under my little “anticipating 2008″ entry. I wrote down the things, thoughts, experiences, encounters, opportunities, hardships, and blessings that have changed me in 2008. Here is most of them:

–Man of La Mancha turned out to be one of the best decisions i made in high school to participate in.–met someone who did and continues to change my life.–saw the Mars Volta live.–my brother’s girlfriend had a baby. set off a chain reaction but the initial result is the most amazing blessing.–first family addition to the carter/black in 12 years –i had the longest fight i’ve ever had with Stephen.–long long period of bitterness and hate–learned a lesson in forgiveness that has turned my world upside down.another chain reaction catalyst–Did NOT go to Mexico City. Relationships changing, for the better in many ways.–spent my summer doing hair of all things.–fell in love with hair.–developed an actual relationship with my dad.–bought a camera to photograph my niece.–fell in love with photography. spent hours reading the manual and now people pay me to do it for them.–best friend moved away.–became friends with a boy who is not a Christian who has changed my spiritual point of view so drastically in a Christ-like direction.–cried over said boy.–bonded with my wise and eccentric drama teacher.–he gave me “irresistible revolution”, which changed my perspective on the modern church and the poor and needy; disrupted my comfortable Christianity while still being in America.–Made the choice to spend my Saturday mornings at the Women’s Health Clinic in Richmond, praying to end abortion.–Was interviewed for a French newspaper about work in the pro-life movement–Saw a woman save her baby.–Saw a woman walk out after an abortion. looked into her eyes.–learned to pray honestly like never before.–had my first class in high school with a close spiritual friend, a ‘real’ friend as i call it.–hugged, comforted and prayed for a bawling friend whose boyfriend committed suicide.–Called a boy on another girl friend’s phone who was telling her she was ugly and worthless to tell him what i thought of him.–learned how to cry again.–Ran a vicious mock election as the campaign manager.won.–Went inside the Capitol building.–Saw John McCain walk past me in a hallway.–became the class-act office aid, giving new freedom in KGHS i never thought i could have.–worked on the student counsel of my high school.–wore a toga to school–acted in a play, Grapes of Wrath, as a despicable Christian character. learned a lot about dealings with people through that.–made friends, real friends, with people i’ve just “known” for four years, which in my opinion is a happy and sad thing. Mocked KGHS’s band AND choir directors in front of the entire school on separate occasions.–Mocked the public school’s ban on religious affiliation in our Christmas assembly, also in front of the whole school.–Sang in front of people and wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed or self-conscious.–decided to join a touring choir, after months of indecision and prayer, with full confidence in insecurity (quite possibly my biggest step of self-growth in this entire list).–music taste changed from street punk to acoustic.–started playing piano again.–best friend moved back!–parents left our church of almost five years. i stayed.–learned/learning a lot about division, pain, feeling really freaking alone, and seeing God graciousness in the hardest circumstance. still struggle though.–smoked an entire cigar.–turned 18.

It’s been quite a year.

So, as my good friend Holly says, “What next?”

My biggest dreams are small

My greatest plans are small

My highest ambitions are nothing

My best predictions are pointless

because, My God is big. Not just big; huge, gigantic, massive, awe-inducing giganticness.

He’s got my dreams, my plans, my ambitions, and He knows my predictions and He’s gonna blow my mind with the things He’s doing in my life and allowing me to be a part of.

like always.

So here’s to you, 2009. let’s see what’s next.

I’ll leave you with a little O. Chambers:

Certainty is the mark of the common sense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled.

But when we have the right relationship with God,

life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.