blast from the past…

27 09 2008

i wrote this exactly three years ago this day. i didn’t realize it when i went to look for it, and when i saw the date, i found that coincidence a bit funny. it’s not a well-written piece at all, but it does well to summarize what that first year felt like. Sometimes it’s good to look back and see where God has brought you from when it felt impossible, to remember that He can do it again.

Free To Fly Away

Grew up with you always by my side.

Just the two of us. I was always on for the ride

Two little kids, together and carefree

But the next day, bliss ended

You tell me you’re now free

My heart pains.

At the thought of your sweet, innocent smile.

I wish we could go back in time.

Maybe just for a little while…

Back to the days where I didn’t have to worry.

When you hurt me like now,

you were always there to say you were sorry.

Gone, you are, from parents who “held you down.”

Gone, you are, from a God you once joyfully found

You say you’re now free

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

I can’t bear the sight, every time I see you.

I guess the world has finally freed you

i realize that i have blogged two poems in a role. That would be a first, and a last. lots is going on in life right now. i’ll blog soon about it.





14 09 2008

Beauty from trouble—

And such trouble endured

How it crept up upon me,

How all of this unfurled

Beauty from heartache—

And the turmoil ensued.

How You never forgot,

How You constantly pursued.

Beauty from longing—

From the hunger and thirst.

You were my reminder

That healing comes to the broken places first.

Beauty from depravity—

and the realization, too,

That I can’t live half alive,

Yet I know who I am with You.

Beauty from ashes—

Can this, oh can this be?

When these days make me weary

and I desire to be free?

Beauty from ashes—

Can this be the truth?

I believe, I BELIEVE

And now I can feel the growth of roots.

Beauty in hope—

Maybe not now, but soon

Shortly I will grow into something of a heliotrope

stretched high to the sky in full bloom

Beauty from pain—

I am no longer the same.

You have made me new





a little part of me dies

9 09 2008

My flesh is being denied just about everything it desires right now. Which is good. And hard. And very painful at times.

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.–Romans 6:8





Saturday, September 6th

6 09 2008

I know if i don’t write all of this out now, i will forget it. And that cannot happen.

My day began on a kind of bad note. I woke up, wiiiide awake at 2:56 am. I was so tired the night before at about 10:30 and i was waiting for a text message back from Seth, so i set my alarm for 11:45 so i could wake up and check my phone for his answer. Our plan was to go to Richmond on Saturday morning as we usually do, despite the arrival of hurricane Hanna. Well, I’m just going to assume i slept through that 11:45 alarm, which was disheartening to find when i woke up early this morning. I was even more disheartened when i found out Seth’s mom didn’t want him to go, and (after checking facebook) Holly nor Ben could come. I knew that a lot of people wouldn’t be too keen on the idea of standing outside in the hurricane, but i was really hoping we could get a lot of people.

I tried to go back to sleep for a little bit, but i had started to feel sick and found i couldn’t. My throat was incredibly dry and my eyes almost hurt when i tried to blink. I ended up laying there for about an hour and a half, thinking, praying, and playing Ms. Pacman on my phone. Finally, i just decided to get up and slowly get ready. I left at 5:40 into the black and the rain for Chick-Fil-A. I got there at about 6:10 and Tim wasn’t there yet, so i went over to Starbucks. I hadn’t been there in such a long time and i love their pumpkin spice lite lattes cause they taste way better than most light coffee. I also bought a Naked Green Machine, since my dad had given me some money. I’m not a big breakfast person, so this was highly sufficient and pretty darn good. I drove back over to Chick-Fil-A and Tim pulled up. I turned the car off and tried to get everything together. I was so prepared for the rain. I had brought two jackets; one for rain and one for warmth, three towels, and two umbrellas. I threw everything onto the driver’s seat so i could go around and get it all out at once and…

Slam.

I shut the door and it locked. With all my rain gear….my scarcely sipped coffee…my purse…my phone…and my keys. Definitely not a good way to start. I kept thinking ” God…do you really want me to be here today??” Sam soon arrived and we got into Tim’s truck to leave. I had nothing but a thin sweatshirt, tank top, jeans and water-proof boat shoes. And sevety-seven cents in my pocket.

We were all really tired. The ride down to Richmond consisted of lots of laughter about stupid things ( which is quite the norm when everyone is so tired; everything’s funny). By the time we reached the boulevard exit and made our way down to the clinic, it was pouring. I mean hard-core pouring. Tim had a jacket, Sam had a tench coat and i had a newspaper over my head. I wonder what all the joggers thought as they passed us. Needless to say, by the time we had walked two short blocks, i was covered from knee down in water and my hair was flat to my face. But that was just the beginning.

We made it to the clinic at about 7:30. There was not a single person there and maybe one car in the parking lot. As ridiculous as it was for us to be there, it was beautiful. Not a single loud, angry voice. Just peace, surrounded (and covered with) a very small example of how very powerful the God we serve is. We only stayed there for about thirty minutes, but it was quite the reminder for me. God continues to prove how mighty He really is every time we visit that street corner, each way more different and crazy. Sam was very wet and cold and probably not enjoying himself as much as Tim and I were. I could have stayed all day, i think. ( though Sam was probably the wisest in his choice ;o)

We walked back to the car and took off to leave Richmond. We were all soaked, but i was really happy we went. The storm had worsened in a lot ways. We made it back onto the highway and the puddles were huge and the rain coming down harder than ever. After about five minutes, we hit a huge expanse of water in the left lane of 95, going 60+. Sam and i thought that Tim was joking around ( a very lame joke, as Sam pointed out) because it looked like he was jerking the wheel from side to side. Then we went horizonatal down the highway. That’s when i knew something was bad. When we had left Richmond, i remember looking at my seat belt and thinking ” Man, i’m glad i have one of these.” That proved to be a bit of foreshadowing. It was sort of surreal and i don’t remember everything, only that we spun out of control and as we were about to hit the center median ditch, Sam simply stated:

“Dude. Stop.”

That we did. Or rather, the water did for us. We had landed in the ditch in the center of 95. Once opening his door, Tim discovered the sludgy water was about three feet deep as it poured into his car. Sam and i had to get out. I was scared at first of the other cars. We got into the back of the truck, after walking through the thigh high water. Sam said we needed to jump up and down to give the truck some momentum. Tim was sort of freaked out at first, so he tried to gun in a bunch of times. His engine shut off twice, which was really scary. We got out into the mud to try and push it, which did nothing except for cover us in mud and more water (keep in mind, it was pouring the whole time). We got back into the truck after about five minutes and started to jump again. Sadly, i had chosen to wear shoes that were made with zero tractions, so my record was sort of like ” Jump, jump, slip, yelling, jump, slip, yell.” I was yelling prayers to God to help us, because i knew we weren’t gonna be able to stay in there for very long without severe damage and danger. Finally, after about ten minutes of jumping, Tim started to make a path. We were getting closer and closer, so Sam and i started to jump on the right side. In one try, mud kicked up and put a nice line across my face, blinding me. That was when Sam started yelling at the sky ” Deliver us! Deliver us, Oh God!” ( mostly jokingly, i think). It seemed to take a lifetime, but finally, Tim pulled back onto the road and Sam and I flattend ourselves to the truck bed. We all yelled with glee and Tim took off. I must say, driving in a truck bed on the highway is good times. i could have driven like that the whole way home. Tim needed gas, asap, so he got off at the next exit and we jumped out and got into the cab. Lots of laughter ensued. We were all so tired and so pumped full of adrenaline that everything was funny and everything was okay.

We had a good rest-of-the-drive home. We passed a lot of accidents which made me very thankful that God was with us and also that Tim was driving. We were preserved today and we were very blessed. Now we just have a crazy memory to share.

Tim took me back to my dad’s shop and sadly, my grandma wasn’t there to take me back to my car, as my plan was. So, i sat in the shop in my wet and muddy clothes for five hours :o ) I ate the lunch my grandma had packed with the best watermelon pieces, wore a silver dry-haircut cape and my dad’s gigantic old suit jacket to be modest while drying my sweatshirt, slept in the stairwell to my uncle’s attorney office upstairs on a stack of towels, told the story to a whole bunch of customers, and froze to death.

It was a good day. I know that my parents didn’t really want me to go, but i am very thankful they gave me the choice. This would go in the category of “Days to Never Forget.”





Saturday, August 30th.

3 09 2008

“Are we supposed to be here today, God?”

“ Mothers! come out! come out! Don’t kill your babe-iees!”

“Is this week just gonna keep getting worse and worse? Why did we have to start on such a bad note??”

“If YOU died to-DAY on that table, do you know WHERE would you go AF-ter you DIED?”

“Something is different here. Something feels wrong. The people around me feel it. They’re struggling. Something is wrong.”

“…Hell! Do you want to go there??”

“ The Enemy doesn’t have control here….

“…INNOCENT!”

…but I think he has a grip…

“…MUR-DERERS…!”

He’s telling lies.

“ONCE SAVED, ALWAYS SAVED IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL!”

He’s deceiving all of us.”

“ Fitshugh is HERE! The baby killer is HERE!”

“ I want to leave! I don’t want to feel like this. I can’t pray and worry at the same time!”

“ Be STILL.”

“…what?”

“ Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.”

“…that’s what i’ve been trying to do and–.”

” Be still. I’m so much bigger than all of this, can’t you see, Kathryne?”

So I did. I clung to prayer like it was only possible way to survive. I cried out to God more honestly than i have in a while. i begged Him to come. i begged Him to move and take the Enemy’s grip off of this place.

And the verses came back to me.

“Get behind me, Satan!

You are a stumbling block to me;

you do not have in mind the things of God,

but the things of men.”

“The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet”

“He rescued me from my powerful enemy, who was too strong for me.”

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”

Saturday, August 30th did not go how I thought it would.

Let me rephrase that.

Last Saturday started out going along the complete opposite path i would have chosen to start on.

The first time, ever, i didn’t wake up when my alarm went off ( if it even did?). I was supposed to pick Seth up at 5:40 and i didn’t even wake up until 6:40. Holly’s alarm didn’t go off. Ben couldn’t find his car keys. Jen&Linz had trouble leaving their own driveway.

But those things didn’t matter. God had bigger plans. We made it there. We had a rough begining. Well, at least i did. But it turned out to be one of the greatest experiences i’ve ever had there. After we prayed together for a very long time, we met some new people from Bound4Life Richmond. We were slightly weary at first as we always are with other ‘protesters’ outside the clinic, but they turned out to be really cool and a huge encouragement. Holly and Jenna started a conversation with Peggy, this really nice lady who works as a clinic volunteer on the ‘other side’ of the lines. The subject quickly changed to Christ. And it stayed there for a time. Another escort came over and listened. So, we prayed again. And i felt joy. God was answering specific prayers and he was using us to fulfill his plans. I still can’t believe the opportunities He’s given us there. Best of all was when we left. We went over to Monroe Park to feed homeless people, which didn’t go quite as we had planned. However, we ended up meeting with one of the escorts in the park and talking with him for a while.

I don’t know what He did through us this past week. All i know is that He makes all things good.