Hello world.
i’m actually doing one of these things. i’ve written random blogs here and there on the various time-wasting web sites i’ve joined over the past few years. They were so sporadic because i never thought i had much to say. Always fancied myself a listener, which i do quite often…quite a lot more now. So much in fact, i don’t feel like i can just talk about how I feel or what i think anymore. i’ve lost any kind of articulating skills i might have had.
Now, for a meager attempt to redeem them.
This week has been incredibly painful for me, and it continues to be. For the past two years on this very date, i have been in Mexico City, which is one of my favorite places in the world. In fact, exactly a year ago at this time, i was lying at the end of a row of hot pink, barrack-style bunk beds in a super hot and cramped cement room with the sounds of howling dogs, rogue roosters, and snoring Mexican girls to drift me off to sleep. I never slept well in Mexico, especially at the kid’s camps we would put on in the mountains near the City, but those many of those sleepless nights were spent in the Word or just quiet time with me and my Father. They revived me and renewed me; they helped me in ways a person like me who is not accomplished with words could not even begin to express.
And then it was all over. I went on tour, i went home, and i returned to school. Not a day went by that i did not think of my brothers and sisters in Mexico City. On some days it was happy and fleeting reminiscing, others i was contemplating purchasing cheap one-way tickets to El D.F.
But lately, it’s just been pain. In the forms of sadness that i am not returning this year, old memories that burn into my mind like painfully beautiful movies that flash on and off, panic that i am wasting precious time and not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, which is not limited to my being in Mexico or not. The worst part of it all is that i feel hopeless right now. And i know that God won’t leave me here. I just need some hope. I just need some faith and peace that God knows what He’s doing. I know He does, but sometimes He operates in ways that are incredibly hard and frustrating. For this week, those ways seemed to be by frequent emails and instant messages that brought up enough ‘feeling’ to have me up at two o’clock in the morning reading those passages i discovered in Mexico last year. Oh well. There is much worse to be done, and i enjoyed reading Ecclesiastes again.
“And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.”
