When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then, life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don’t feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength, my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God…
Increase.

Healing hands of Godhave mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts
forever.
Freedom means love without condition, without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.

-F.I.F.

That’s what it really boils down to. God increasing. Kathryne decreasing.

spontaneous, joyful uncertainty, and expectancy.

We’re coming to the end of 2008. Part of me feels like this year went by way too fast. My 18th year on planet earth feels like a giant whirlwind blur, but i was thinking a lot about it tonight, as i was cleaning my room and listening to Debussy: Clair de Lune (not that it really matters, it’s just pretty thinking music : ) and i realized how drastically different my life is today compared to how it was December 28th, 2007; a freshly 17 year old, ready for a new year. What was i predicting as i waited; enjoying the days of school-free carefree before the start of 2008? That intrigued me, so i stopped cleaning and began going through my desk, looking for my old journal. I am the world’s worst journaler. Trust me, it’s pretty pathetic. I hoped i had actually written something. It turns out, i had. Five pages covering the from Christmas to NewYears time. I read and read, laughing at myself at the little anecdotes i had written in the margins about my day. There was much about the New Years Party i was hosting for Stand True and the arrival of friends from far away, but i had written a little something that night, after everyone had either fallen asleep in the rooms below me, or left; which was life three o’clock in the morning i think. I had written a small entry. In it, i spoke about my expectations for the coming year. They made me laugh more than my silly little anecdotes about the day. I was trying to prepare myself for change in that journal entry; trying to anticipate the likely situations and scenarios i was going to face such as college decisions and relationships. Funny. Because none of them turned out the way i thought they would. His plans were greater. Harder sometimes. Not ones i anticipated by any long shot, but greater. better. Because the entry was short, i had half a page i left blank. So i made a list under my little “anticipating 2008″ entry. I wrote down the things, thoughts, experiences, encounters, opportunities, hardships, and blessings that have changed me in 2008. Here is most of them:

–Man of La Mancha turned out to be one of the best decisions i made in high school to participate in.–met someone who did and continues to change my life.–saw the Mars Volta live.–my brother’s girlfriend had a baby. set off a chain reaction but the initial result is the most amazing blessing.–first family addition to the carter/black in 12 years –i had the longest fight i’ve ever had with Stephen.–long long period of bitterness and hate–learned a lesson in forgiveness that has turned my world upside down.another chain reaction catalyst–Did NOT go to Mexico City. Relationships changing, for the better in many ways.–spent my summer doing hair of all things.–fell in love with hair.–developed an actual relationship with my dad.–bought a camera to photograph my niece.–fell in love with photography. spent hours reading the manual and now people pay me to do it for them.–best friend moved away.–became friends with a boy who is not a Christian who has changed my spiritual point of view so drastically in a Christ-like direction.–cried over said boy.–bonded with my wise and eccentric drama teacher.–he gave me “irresistible revolution”, which changed my perspective on the modern church and the poor and needy; disrupted my comfortable Christianity while still being in America.–Made the choice to spend my Saturday mornings at the Women’s Health Clinic in Richmond, praying to end abortion.–Was interviewed for a French newspaper about work in the pro-life movement–Saw a woman save her baby.–Saw a woman walk out after an abortion. looked into her eyes.–learned to pray honestly like never before.–had my first class in high school with a close spiritual friend, a ‘real’ friend as i call it.–hugged, comforted and prayed for a bawling friend whose boyfriend committed suicide.–Called a boy on another girl friend’s phone who was telling her she was ugly and worthless to tell him what i thought of him.–learned how to cry again.–Ran a vicious mock election as the campaign manager.won.–Went inside the Capitol building.–Saw John McCain walk past me in a hallway.–became the class-act office aid, giving new freedom in KGHS i never thought i could have.–worked on the student counsel of my high school.–wore a toga to school–acted in a play, Grapes of Wrath, as a despicable Christian character. learned a lot about dealings with people through that.–made friends, real friends, with people i’ve just “known” for four years, which in my opinion is a happy and sad thing. Mocked KGHS’s band AND choir directors in front of the entire school on separate occasions.–Mocked the public school’s ban on religious affiliation in our Christmas assembly, also in front of the whole school.–Sang in front of people and wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed or self-conscious.–decided to join a touring choir, after months of indecision and prayer, with full confidence in insecurity (quite possibly my biggest step of self-growth in this entire list).–music taste changed from street punk to acoustic.–started playing piano again.–best friend moved back!–parents left our church of almost five years. i stayed.–learned/learning a lot about division, pain, feeling really freaking alone, and seeing God graciousness in the hardest circumstance. still struggle though.–smoked an entire cigar.–turned 18.

It’s been quite a year.

So, as my good friend Holly says, “What next?”

My biggest dreams are small

My greatest plans are small

My highest ambitions are nothing

My best predictions are pointless

because, My God is big. Not just big; huge, gigantic, massive, awe-inducing giganticness.

He’s got my dreams, my plans, my ambitions, and He knows my predictions and He’s gonna blow my mind with the things He’s doing in my life and allowing me to be a part of.

like always.

So here’s to you, 2009. let’s see what’s next.

I’ll leave you with a little O. Chambers:

Certainty is the mark of the common sense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled.

But when we have the right relationship with God,

life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.

Just Saying.

because i’m sick of trying to put this lightly or play around the subject matter:

my parents are leaving the church i’ve grown up in. they have made a list of the things that they felt were handled poorly, used wrongly, and mistreated, visited another church, and decided they like it. They’re both really happy. They’re in a church where the Gospel is being preached and they don’t feel so much hurt by a session who messed up big time in relation to feelings and actions. Their list is good and it is true. Things were handled poorly, our family wasn’t told a thing, which could have saved my parent’s feelings a little and they let my brother walk out of the meeting with his VERY good questions about evil, good, sin, and predestination unanswered.They are good reasons and i don’t want my parents to stay in a church that will make them bitter. I, however, do not feel lead to leave the church. I’m not sure why, other than the most animosity i feel towards them is over those unanswered questions Stephen asked. That’s it. It’s by no means a perfect church, but i am not leaving it. Problem is? Our family is split up now. We won’t be worshiping together anymore.

please pray for my family and i.

–Tensions are going to be high on Sundays. Even though we are “cool” with the fact that we’re at seperate churches.

–Friendships&Relationships. I have horrible social skills and i feel as though when my family is gone, i won’t be able to have any kind of relationship with people in church. i don’t know why. please pray the Devil won’t use that against me and that i wouldn’t believe lies.

–Please pray that people won’t treat me differently. Mostly pastors and elders and such. Please pray that i would have the right words to speak when people question me. Especially the ones i don’t want to talk to about the subject matter.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.–romans12:12

I died on Friday.

Well, i might as well just tell the story.

On Thursday, during my fourth block class, which is Theatre IV, my teacher, Mr. Richards, told us about his plan for the next day, which was going to be a complicated and intense improv exercise that would take most of the day. He called it “The Plague” simply, and instructed anyone in the class who wasn’t willing to take it seriously to not show up the next day. I mostly forgot about it until third block on Friday, when Katie reminded me. This is pretty much the exercise instructions:

Lights go out and find a place to lay on stage with knees up. Mr. Richards brings you through a few breathing exercises for a relaxing meditation time period.
He explains out instructions for the exercise while we were doing this which were to first, think of a character in Europe in the 13th century, during the Plague. A wife, a young child, a blacksmith, a baker, a begger, it didn’t matter. Just pick one.
He turns the lights on and we slowly get up off the stage and silently make our ‘town’
After a while, he begins to call out the stages of the plague.
First, someone gets the sniffles.
Then coughing begins.
Life goes on.
A fever hits.
A spot or two begin to form
Once they have a red ring around them, the person with them knows they have the plague.
they begin to itch
more develop
they begin to cause intense pain
your throat becomes raw and sore-covered from the coughing
and then, after a good long while of contagious agony, you die.

Sounds kind of crazy? Maybe a little dumb? That’s what i thought. So as i lay on the stage, breathing on eight counts and clearing my mind and such, i started thinking (TYPICAL) about something that has been bothering me and been laid on my heart a whole lot lately. Life without Christ. Something that has scared me a lot lately. Because i don’t understand it but i am certain it is real. And I’m surrounded with it. I love a whole heck of a lot of people deeply who live their lives without Christ. And though it doesn’t make me feel superior, better, or snooty towards them, it breaks my heart. In Christ i have found fullness of joy. It’s the only source of joy i have ever truly had and trust me…i’ve looked every possible way before i found it to be Him. So, i picked my character. I decided to be a baker. A 50-something older women who is very bitter towards everyone; people, her town, and religion. But she works for a baker shop, so she frequents the streets a lot to deliver, but she is never “with” the people. She is alone, friendless, and content in her bitterness. And that’s who i was when i stood up. I walked over to downstage left and set up my “shop.” I baked pies over and over again with pantomime, ignoring the beggars who came to my door. When i took to the streets, i moved quickly and hurried back home. I’m not saying i think everyone without Christ is ReMoTeLy like this, it just got me personally into a character i’m not so familiar with. And boy did it, it actually depressed me and made me sad.

And then the plague came. I caught the sniffles from Michelle when she came to my door and i slammed it in her face. It was fine. i went along my monotonous work the same. And then the coughing started to come and a fever began to come on. I kept trying to bake pies, but my insides were killing me. It was so strange because i felt so much in character, that my insides DID really hurt. This was a similar sensation shared by my classmates i found out later. And then i noticed the rash and the red ring around it. It was my death sentence. It was the end of a miserable life with no hope from then on. And then i fell. I was in such despair and in so much pain from coughing and itching, i cried out in agony. I was falling to a place where i could never rise from again. It was the end of it all. I could feel tears running down my face as i clung on to life for the last few minutes. My insides burned with sadness and i could feel my heart breaking. This is what it will be like for all of those people when they die without Jesus. That feeling caused me to cry openly and hard. Slowly, my movements began to slow and my cries became much less audible. i died in an awkward side position, feeling i wouldn’t feel truly dead if i died on my back. It was so intense. Richards had instructed four guys to go around and pick up the dead and move them to a pile in the center of the stage. Laying there with my eyes closed waiting to be lifted was insane. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on my passivity in presenting the Gospel to people DAILY. Because for many people, just like this, tomorrow will not come. My feelings weren’t coming from guilt, they are coming from a passion that God is building in my heart for people who have not experienced completion in Christ. Laying with the dead showed my how selfish i am in not caring about people as i should.

We all talked afterwards. It affected many of the people in our class profusely. i didn’t talk much about my choice in character, but i plan to talk to my youth pastor/drama teacher, Richards about it later. It was a crazy way to start a weekend that has shaped out to be the most insane weekend of my life, i think…

O, for grace to trust You more

Lately, i haven’t had a lot to say. It could be that i felt like i was losing control of my life with all the work to be done, the sometimes rocky relationships to be at the very least managed, and the ridiculously hard choices to make. Hmm. Let me rephrase this…

Lately, i haven’t had anything REMOTELY edifying to write about.

Now i do. I have quite a lot to talk about. Because i’ve learned a lot. Through those moments where all i wanted to do was crawl into bed, turn off the lights and sleep with no thoughts for 56789 hours to those moments of intense joy in seeing God’s hand move so clearly and His word alive in the world, i’ve learned a whole freaking lot. In about…four weeks.

I’m going to post a few journal-esque things i’ve done in the past three days. All different thoughts and all different experiences. However, they all come back to the same point. I’m learning to trust. I’m learning to see God in the worst and rejoice in Him, trusting that He’ll make it all good. He HAS, He IS, and He WILL. Praise Jesus.

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

blast from the past…

i wrote this exactly three years ago this day. i didn’t realize it when i went to look for it, and when i saw the date, i found that coincidence a bit funny. it’s not a well-written piece at all, but it does well to summarize what that first year felt like. Sometimes it’s good to look back and see where God has brought you from when it felt impossible, to remember that He can do it again.

Free To Fly Away

Grew up with you always by my side.

Just the two of us. I was always on for the ride

Two little kids, together and carefree

But the next day, bliss ended

You tell me you’re now free

My heart pains.

At the thought of your sweet, innocent smile.

I wish we could go back in time.

Maybe just for a little while…

Back to the days where I didn’t have to worry.

When you hurt me like now,

you were always there to say you were sorry.

Gone, you are, from parents who “held you down.”

Gone, you are, from a God you once joyfully found

You say you’re now free

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

I can’t bear the sight, every time I see you.

I guess the world has finally freed you

i realize that i have blogged two poems in a role. That would be a first, and a last. lots is going on in life right now. i’ll blog soon about it.

Beauty from trouble—

And such trouble endured

How it crept up upon me,

How all of this unfurled

Beauty from heartache—

And the turmoil ensued.

How You never forgot,

How You constantly pursued.

Beauty from longing—

From the hunger and thirst.

You were my reminder

That healing comes to the broken places first.

Beauty from depravity—

and the realization, too,

That I can’t live half alive,

Yet I know who I am with You.

Beauty from ashes—

Can this, oh can this be?

When these days make me weary

and I desire to be free?

Beauty from ashes—

Can this be the truth?

I believe, I BELIEVE

And now I can feel the growth of roots.

Beauty in hope—

Maybe not now, but soon

Shortly I will grow into something of a heliotrope

stretched high to the sky in full bloom

Beauty from pain—

I am no longer the same.

You have made me new

a little part of me dies

My flesh is being denied just about everything it desires right now. Which is good. And hard. And very painful at times.

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.–Romans 6:8

Saturday, September 6th

I know if i don’t write all of this out now, i will forget it. And that cannot happen.

My day began on a kind of bad note. I woke up, wiiiide awake at 2:56 am. I was so tired the night before at about 10:30 and i was waiting for a text message back from Seth, so i set my alarm for 11:45 so i could wake up and check my phone for his answer. Our plan was to go to Richmond on Saturday morning as we usually do, despite the arrival of hurricane Hanna. Well, I’m just going to assume i slept through that 11:45 alarm, which was disheartening to find when i woke up early this morning. I was even more disheartened when i found out Seth’s mom didn’t want him to go, and (after checking facebook) Holly nor Ben could come. I knew that a lot of people wouldn’t be too keen on the idea of standing outside in the hurricane, but i was really hoping we could get a lot of people.

I tried to go back to sleep for a little bit, but i had started to feel sick and found i couldn’t. My throat was incredibly dry and my eyes almost hurt when i tried to blink. I ended up laying there for about an hour and a half, thinking, praying, and playing Ms. Pacman on my phone. Finally, i just decided to get up and slowly get ready. I left at 5:40 into the black and the rain for Chick-Fil-A. I got there at about 6:10 and Tim wasn’t there yet, so i went over to Starbucks. I hadn’t been there in such a long time and i love their pumpkin spice lite lattes cause they taste way better than most light coffee. I also bought a Naked Green Machine, since my dad had given me some money. I’m not a big breakfast person, so this was highly sufficient and pretty darn good. I drove back over to Chick-Fil-A and Tim pulled up. I turned the car off and tried to get everything together. I was so prepared for the rain. I had brought two jackets; one for rain and one for warmth, three towels, and two umbrellas. I threw everything onto the driver’s seat so i could go around and get it all out at once and…

Slam.

I shut the door and it locked. With all my rain gear….my scarcely sipped coffee…my purse…my phone…and my keys. Definitely not a good way to start. I kept thinking ” God…do you really want me to be here today??” Sam soon arrived and we got into Tim’s truck to leave. I had nothing but a thin sweatshirt, tank top, jeans and water-proof boat shoes. And sevety-seven cents in my pocket.

We were all really tired. The ride down to Richmond consisted of lots of laughter about stupid things ( which is quite the norm when everyone is so tired; everything’s funny). By the time we reached the boulevard exit and made our way down to the clinic, it was pouring. I mean hard-core pouring. Tim had a jacket, Sam had a tench coat and i had a newspaper over my head. I wonder what all the joggers thought as they passed us. Needless to say, by the time we had walked two short blocks, i was covered from knee down in water and my hair was flat to my face. But that was just the beginning.

We made it to the clinic at about 7:30. There was not a single person there and maybe one car in the parking lot. As ridiculous as it was for us to be there, it was beautiful. Not a single loud, angry voice. Just peace, surrounded (and covered with) a very small example of how very powerful the God we serve is. We only stayed there for about thirty minutes, but it was quite the reminder for me. God continues to prove how mighty He really is every time we visit that street corner, each way more different and crazy. Sam was very wet and cold and probably not enjoying himself as much as Tim and I were. I could have stayed all day, i think. ( though Sam was probably the wisest in his choice ;o)

We walked back to the car and took off to leave Richmond. We were all soaked, but i was really happy we went. The storm had worsened in a lot ways. We made it back onto the highway and the puddles were huge and the rain coming down harder than ever. After about five minutes, we hit a huge expanse of water in the left lane of 95, going 60+. Sam and i thought that Tim was joking around ( a very lame joke, as Sam pointed out) because it looked like he was jerking the wheel from side to side. Then we went horizonatal down the highway. That’s when i knew something was bad. When we had left Richmond, i remember looking at my seat belt and thinking ” Man, i’m glad i have one of these.” That proved to be a bit of foreshadowing. It was sort of surreal and i don’t remember everything, only that we spun out of control and as we were about to hit the center median ditch, Sam simply stated:

“Dude. Stop.”

That we did. Or rather, the water did for us. We had landed in the ditch in the center of 95. Once opening his door, Tim discovered the sludgy water was about three feet deep as it poured into his car. Sam and i had to get out. I was scared at first of the other cars. We got into the back of the truck, after walking through the thigh high water. Sam said we needed to jump up and down to give the truck some momentum. Tim was sort of freaked out at first, so he tried to gun in a bunch of times. His engine shut off twice, which was really scary. We got out into the mud to try and push it, which did nothing except for cover us in mud and more water (keep in mind, it was pouring the whole time). We got back into the truck after about five minutes and started to jump again. Sadly, i had chosen to wear shoes that were made with zero tractions, so my record was sort of like ” Jump, jump, slip, yelling, jump, slip, yell.” I was yelling prayers to God to help us, because i knew we weren’t gonna be able to stay in there for very long without severe damage and danger. Finally, after about ten minutes of jumping, Tim started to make a path. We were getting closer and closer, so Sam and i started to jump on the right side. In one try, mud kicked up and put a nice line across my face, blinding me. That was when Sam started yelling at the sky ” Deliver us! Deliver us, Oh God!” ( mostly jokingly, i think). It seemed to take a lifetime, but finally, Tim pulled back onto the road and Sam and I flattend ourselves to the truck bed. We all yelled with glee and Tim took off. I must say, driving in a truck bed on the highway is good times. i could have driven like that the whole way home. Tim needed gas, asap, so he got off at the next exit and we jumped out and got into the cab. Lots of laughter ensued. We were all so tired and so pumped full of adrenaline that everything was funny and everything was okay.

We had a good rest-of-the-drive home. We passed a lot of accidents which made me very thankful that God was with us and also that Tim was driving. We were preserved today and we were very blessed. Now we just have a crazy memory to share.

Tim took me back to my dad’s shop and sadly, my grandma wasn’t there to take me back to my car, as my plan was. So, i sat in the shop in my wet and muddy clothes for five hours ) I ate the lunch my grandma had packed with the best watermelon pieces, wore a silver dry-haircut cape and my dad’s gigantic old suit jacket to be modest while drying my sweatshirt, slept in the stairwell to my uncle’s attorney office upstairs on a stack of towels, told the story to a whole bunch of customers, and froze to death.

It was a good day. I know that my parents didn’t really want me to go, but i am very thankful they gave me the choice. This would go in the category of “Days to Never Forget.”

Saturday, August 30th.

“Are we supposed to be here today, God?”

“ Mothers! come out! come out! Don’t kill your babe-iees!”

“Is this week just gonna keep getting worse and worse? Why did we have to start on such a bad note??”

“If YOU died to-DAY on that table, do you know WHERE would you go AF-ter you DIED?”

“Something is different here. Something feels wrong. The people around me feel it. They’re struggling. Something is wrong.”

“…Hell! Do you want to go there??”

“ The Enemy doesn’t have control here….

“…INNOCENT!”

…but I think he has a grip…

“…MUR-DERERS…!”

He’s telling lies.

“ONCE SAVED, ALWAYS SAVED IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL!”

He’s deceiving all of us.”

“ Fitshugh is HERE! The baby killer is HERE!”

“ I want to leave! I don’t want to feel like this. I can’t pray and worry at the same time!”

“ Be STILL.”

“…what?”

“ Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.”

“…that’s what i’ve been trying to do and–.”

” Be still. I’m so much bigger than all of this, can’t you see, Kathryne?”

So I did. I clung to prayer like it was only possible way to survive. I cried out to God more honestly than i have in a while. i begged Him to come. i begged Him to move and take the Enemy’s grip off of this place.

And the verses came back to me.

“Get behind me, Satan!

You are a stumbling block to me;

you do not have in mind the things of God,

but the things of men.”

“The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet”

“He rescued me from my powerful enemy, who was too strong for me.”

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”

Saturday, August 30^th did not go how I thought it would.

Let me rephrase that.

Last Saturday started out going along the complete opposite path i would have chosen to start on.

The first time, ever, i didn’t wake up when my alarm went off ( if it even did?). I was supposed to pick Seth up at 5:40 and i didn’t even wake up until 6:40. Holly’s alarm didn’t go off. Ben couldn’t find his car keys. Jen&Linz had trouble leaving their own driveway.

But those things didn’t matter. God had bigger plans. We made it there. We had a rough begining. Well, at least i did. But it turned out to be one of the greatest experiences i’ve ever had there. After we prayed together for a very long time, we met some new people from Bound4Life Richmond. We were slightly weary at first as we always are with other ‘protesters’ outside the clinic, but they turned out to be really cool and a huge encouragement. Holly and Jenna started a conversation with Peggy, this really nice lady who works as a clinic volunteer on the ‘other side’ of the lines. The subject quickly changed to Christ. And it stayed there for a time. Another escort came over and listened. So, we prayed again. And i felt joy. God was answering specific prayers and he was using us to fulfill his plans. I still can’t believe the opportunities He’s given us there. Best of all was when we left. We went over to Monroe Park to feed homeless people, which didn’t go quite as we had planned. However, we ended up meeting with one of the escorts in the park and talking with him for a while.

I don’t know what He did through us this past week. All i know is that He makes all things good.

God is so good. Not only does He show His goodness during the bad, but He shows up IN the bad. He’s in control. I’m so glad He isn’t sitting back like i am and worrying and wondering. What a comfort. He doesn’t waste pain. i wish i felt like this all the time. Yesterday was good. Not my definition of good, but i know He’s working, and i’m grateful He gave me a little vision of it.

this next week, i’m back at KGHS. For the very last time. (well, for the year). I can’t even begin to tell you how thrilled i am about that fact. it’s been the most boring part of the past three years of my life and i’m ready to move on. i know i was supposed to be there for certain reasons, people, and lessons i’ve learned. but the more i sit and do nothing all day, the more i yearn for life outside of the walls. i didn’t/haven’t had a bad high school experience, i’m just grateful for all the amazing people God’s put in my life outside of school. Real friends as one might call them. ha.

picturespicturespictures.

So, i’m getting my senior pictures done today…and i think after i woke up with morning ( or rather, stumbled out of bad half conscious…long goood good night) i realized how weird this is for me. People don’t take pictures of me. Even before i got my SLR, i was always the one taking pictures OF people. I haven’t had professional in studio pictures done since i was in fifth grade. FIFTH grade. Kind of a long time ago? And don’t get me wrong, i love Sarah D. and i trust her whole heartedly, it’s just strange for me. As i told the oh so amazing and hardcore Holly Richters, i was standing in my bathroom, brushing my teeth and then i looked in the mirror. And i stared blankly for a minute or so ( yeah, good thing there wasn’t a hidden camera, I’m sure i looked completely ridiculous). I turned my head from side to side, looked up close and then stood back and thought “Do i have a good side?? Do i need to know this stuff??” Yeah, i know. WeIrDo.

SO, wish me luck! i think i’ve found my good side…haa. Actually, pray for me please. i’m sure i’ll need it.